Dear Friend of Wine,
Hello, youâve probably heard of me. My name is Larry Anosmia, and Iâm the best Master Sommelier in America. Yes, that Larry Anosmia, star of the Food Channelâs hit television show, âNumber One Chef, But the Sommelier is a Big Number Two.â I know you wonât want to miss this seasonâs finale when special guest star Anthony Bourdain challenges me to a blind tasting of Picpoul de Pinet, but I cheat and slip him a glass of bull semen instead. He loves the minerality, and charges a nearby tablecloth. But thatâs not why Iâm writing. Iâm writing to ask for your help with a very worthy cause that doesnât get the attention it deserves. And tell you a little bit about what weâre doing to help. I think, once youâve read this letter, youâll want to help, too.
Our sommeliers are dying. Scientists havenât discovered why just yet, though most of the evidence points to the size of their heads being the most important factor. In the late stages of the mysterious disease, most are unable to remove their tastevins over their heads. They are horribly disfigured, mistaken for Macyâs Thanksgiving Day balloons, or, worse yet, a publisher of an American wine magazine. Ask yourself, when is the last time youâve seen one of our vanishing sommeliers in their native habitat? Most are too ashamed to actually be on the floor of a restaurant. Many of our sommeliers have heads so big theyâve started their own wine labels! Yes, I know, itâs shocking, even terrifying. Worse yet, there seems to be no end in sight. There is no cure, and most sommeliers go on to a painful death, or worse, a job buying wine for Macaroni Grill. How much longer can you let this happen without wanting to help?
Worst of all, most of the dying sommeliers will never know another day of joy. They have put years of insobriety and hubris into their careers, dedicated their lives to the glories of alcohol when they could have selfishly become teachers or nurses or firefighters. Most worked tirelessly to promote the occupation of sommelier, and their success is measured by the thousands of people wandering wine country and applying for jobs with fake business cards and phony credentials obtained from wine âschoolsâ that proclaim them âSommelier.â Everyone, it seems, is a sommelier, whether theyâve actually worked the job or not. And itâs those phonies who will be all we are left with when the real sommeliers are dead. Even now, our finest wine experts are nearly extinct in restaurants, replaced with these pretenders. And our once great wine lists, the envy of every civilized nation, are now no more than Encyclopedias of Ego, Wine Wikipedias of Wankers. But thatâs a cause for another day.
Iâm writing on behalf of the Sommeliersâ Last Wish Foundation. It is our cause, our passion, our purpose, to grant the final hopes and dreams of our dying sommeliers. We think they deserve no less. The SLWF has already granted the Last Wishes of many sommeliers. Iâd like to share a couple of examples with you.
Corky Phee MS was the legendary sommelier at the great Vietnamese restaurant, Slanted Dork. Phee is perhaps most famous for compiling a list of virtually undrinkable skin contact white wines to go with Slanted Dorkâs Vietnamese cuisineâhis signature Agent Orange wines. As he lay dying, his head swollen to the size of a medium-toast Francois Freres Limousin barrel, his mouth a parody of a bunghole, Phee asked for one simple thing. Corky wanted to meet his hero, Robert Parker. The SLWF contacted the Messiah of Monkton and told him of Corkyâs fatal illness, and of his desire to meet the great man himself. What happened next was a miracle. OK, we didnât hear back, but Bob did give Corky a shout-out on his eBob chat room board with a post titled, âWaving Goodbye to Corky Phee.â Though that may have been misspelled. Corky died not long after, quite peacefully, in his sleep, not like the other people in his car.
Sommelier Tess DâVonn MS worked for years on the floor at Coq au Cola. When she finished the floor, she worked on the plumbing. Tess won every major sommelier award. She was Sommelier of the Year six times. And that was in 1995 alone. Her Coq au Cola wine list earned not only the âWine Spectatorâ Grand Award, but also the coveted âWine Enthusiastâ We Kinda Know Most of Those Wines Award. Her wine list once prompted Andrew Jefford to say, âIt looks like JosĂ© Vouillamoz threw up on it.â Her last few weeks, when Tessâ Barry Bonds cap finally fit, she had one last request. She wanted to drink Screaming Eagle from her birth year â 1965. Quickly, the volunteers at SLWF contacted Acker Merrill and they were able to find a bottle of â65 Screaming Eagle sourced directly from the cellar of celebrity wine swindler Rudy Kurniawan. Unfortunately, the wine sold to the owners of Slanted Dork for more money than was available to the SLWF. A last minute plea to donors yielded only a 2-for-1 tasting coupon at Freemark Abbey, and a $15 voucher for Lot18. The â65 Screaming Eagle is currently on the Slanted Dork Reserve Wine List in the âYou Wonât Know Theyâre Fraudulent!â category. Sympathetic volunteers at the Sommelier Hospice served Tess a glass of â65 Joseph Phelps Insignia instead, which she declared, âReminiscent of a young Mouton Cadet.â
If only youâd known then what you know now, your contribution could have helped with the purchase of the â65 Screaming Eagle for Tess. Imagine the glint in the dying sommelierâs eyes as she raised it to her lips, lips every winemaker wanted to pass through, Gatekeeper lips! Sommeliers are our industryâs most important Gatekeepers. Just ask them.
There are dozens more sommeliers just like Corky Phee MS and Tess DâVonn MS. And they need your help. As our treasured sommeliers die, as one by one they begin to believe their own press and their heads begin to swell, and the dreaded, highly contagious, unknown disease takes its fatal grip, itâs only right that we grant them final wishes. We are talking about our beloved sommeliers, after all. Men and women who have given so little, yet asked so much. Wonât you think about a generous donation?
This is Larry Anosmia MS. I know youâll want to give so that the next time youâre in your favorite restaurant, and you see the sommelier approaching your table, youâll be able to feel the absolute joy of knowing youâve contributed to his happy demise.
Thank You.
Photo © Tim Atkin MW