There’s an annoying trend in wine writing to recommend wines to accompany experiences other than dining. Specific wines with specific music, for example. How much sense does that make? Though I know that when I listen to John Cage, I always prefer to serve a fine and decidedly empty bottle of Opus One. Cage understands the meaning of silence, which you can perfectly complement by not drinking Opus One. But only a great vintage. Not drinking a poor vintage just seems insulting to the music.

Or you see articles about wines that pair with Oscar-nominated movies — the Wall Street Journal came up with that beauty. That’s insultingly stupid, but I do know what to pair with reading the Wall Street Journal wine columns — something Standard and Poor.

This past weekend, at least here in the United States, there were a cavalcade of idiotic pieces recommending wines to drink with Halloween candy, which is only technically food. You know, because adults who eat Halloween candy are usually fine wine drinkers. Next up, what wines to pair with Grandma’s dog food dinners.

Who reads this crap? If there are occasions other than dining that need wine pairing recommendations, it’s the occasions most of us face during our lives that make us want to drink. That’s when the appropriate bottle of wine may just save the day. I have some thoughts, and perfect pairings.

Erectile Dysfunction

Over the years, I’ve tried pairing dozens of wine with erectile dysfunction, despite the fact that, as far as my partners were concerned, it had never happened to me before. The first wine I served after E.D. I chose somewhat intuitively. I pulled the cork on a bottle of Fontodi’s great Sangiovese, Flaccianello. I don’t know, the name just sounded à propos. It was sensational, but my partner felt that the wine was a “little young and a little hard — unlike you.” So much for intuition.

When erectile dysfunction enters (sorry, poor choice of verb) your life, and it will, much will depend upon the wine you serve. Men, I’ve found that the best wine to serve with erectile dysfunction is Grower Champagne. It’s the perfect match. I’ve never met a woman who didn’t love Champagne, and you can explain how it takes three years before it’s disgorged. (This is also why it would not be a good idea to serve Champagne with premature ejaculation. Wine is not suitable for premature ejaculation —why not a cold bottle of Squirt?) Ladies, if it happens in your bedroom, you might feel like insisting on a nice Beaune. Tell him it’s the only thing that will satisfy you. Nothing tastes better with erectile dysfunction than a large glass of spite.

Identity Theft

Imagine that you wake up one day and someone has stolen your identity. This someone has ransacked your life and is making all kinds of money by pretending to be you. You know, like Antonio Galloni and Robert Parker. What in the world do you drink with that? Identity theft can happen to anyone, and I’m often asked what’s the right wine to serve with the occasion. Some would say it doesn’t matter, but we’re talking about leading a civilized life, a life of refinement and taste. It certainly matters what wine you serve with identity theft. Don’t be coarse. Identity theft leaves you feeling violated and vulnerable, victimized by a criminal, and what better wine to accompany that than something lovely and delicious from Sicily? Nero d’Avola goes great with identity theft, though be careful of those with high alcohol. You don’t want your home fiddled while Nero burns.

In Vitro Fertilization

It’s unlikely this will happen in your life, I suppose, but should you find yourself needing to pair the perfect wine with in vitro, I’ve found that the wines that go uncommonly well are those wines fermented in cement eggs.

Euthanize Your Dog

One of the worst days of anyone’s life, a day that certainly requires the consumption of alcohol, is the day you finally decide to put your faithful companion down. And choosing the appropriate wine can be difficult on such an emotional day. But it’s important! Just like drinking the right wine with an award-winning film is important. It can add so much to your enjoyment. You certainly don’t want to dishonour your dog’s memory by opening a bottle of Old Yeller Tail. What kind of cheap, heartless dog murderer are you? Instead, drink a wine that honors your furry sidekick, a wine both precious and rare.

And what would be more suitable than a great Barca Velha, Portugal’s most prestigious red unfortified wine? Made from the famous vineyard Quinto do Vale Meão, it’s also perfect for when your neighbor poisons your cat.

Losing Your Virginity

I don’t have to tell you what an important day it is when you finally lose your virginity. It’s pretty amazing. Something for those of you who hang out on wine chat rooms to look forward to! But once it’s over, you won’t want to spoil the occasion by choosing the wrong wine. I mean, imagine how that’s going to upset your priest. You need to plan now for when this blessed event finally comes to pass. Many of you will have already accumulated a fine wine cellar, but which wine will enhance the event? Surprisingly, I’ve found that a particular German producer’s wines are perfectly suited to the occasion. A lovely little Riesling, for when you’re Loosen your Kirsche in Ernst.

Adultery

Most people don’t know what wine to drink after discovering their spouse has been unfaithful. And yet the whole experience can be enhanced with the right choice! I know a woman who was thoroughly enchanted by her wine choices after catching her husband in bed with yet another woman. “Catching your husband screwing another woman calls for Malbec, and plenty of ‘em,” she told me. “It just seemed to cheer me up since he was Côt with a bunch of damned Cahors.”

On the other hand, discovering that your wife is cheating on you because you develop symptoms of an STD calls for a nice glass of Port. Need I say, Cockburn’s is perfect.