You have finally come to the realization that the only wines worth drinking are Natural Wines, but what’s the best way to enjoy those Natural Wines at home? Many people make the mistake of thinking that the only thing that matters is that the wines are Certified Biodynamic, or made from organic grapes with minimal intervention, or are Certified Sensitive®.For those of you unfamiliar with the terms, just go away. This isn’t for you. Keep drinking that crap you usually drink, knowing that you’re not only doing harm to the environment, you’re an insensitive slob and should run for President of the United States. OK, maybe that’s a little harsh. Fine, I’ll explain.
Wines that are labeled Certified Sensitive® are wines that you must not criticize while they are in the glass in front of you. Wines have feelings, too, you know. Even orange wines, which seem to be dead to the average consumer, can react badly to criticism. Remarking that a Certified Sensitive® wine smells like crap can cause it to shut down. Those tears on your glass are real! Don’t be such a heartless bastard. It’s Certified Sensitive®, keep your ignorant opinions to yourself!
It’s important to have the correct stemware for enjoying your Natural Wines. I recommend investing in three different shapes — Orange Wine, Biodynamic White Wine, and the all-purpose WTF Is That? glass. The Orange Wine glass isn’t just good for orange wines, it is also useful for sparkling wines made in the traditional slapstick Méthode Shempenoise fashion, where each bottle is slapped twice a day and kicked in the punt. The orange wine glass is specially designed to restrict the aromas from spilling out of the glass and threatening local school children with asthma.
The Biodynamic White Wine glass comes in four slightly different shapes, a shape each for fruit days, flower days, leaf days and root days. There used to be glasses for fern days and holly days, but everyone drank too much during the holly days so they stopped making them. It’s important to make sure you don’t drink out of a fruit day glass on a root day; you risk the wine not tasting right, as well as a threatening letter from Isabel Legeron MW, who, believe me, can be outright nasty, though, it must be said, in a perfectly natural way.
I also own a very expensive Biodynamic White Wine glass that is designed to be suitable for the sum of these biodynamic days. Because for sum of these days, you’re gonna miss me, Honey. It’s a nice glass, though hard to clean. Well, Sum Day my prints will come off.
Perhaps you are skeptical that specific wine glasses are even necessary to enjoy your natural wines. Many people are skeptical about the shape of the glass being important to how you enjoy the wine, though all the “experts” say it is. Funny, you’re not usually a skeptical person. Or why would you so cavalierly believe so much of the bullshit about natural wines? Answer me that. OK, so let’s just move on.
The WTF Is That? glass is suitable for a broad range of natural wines, though I find red wines favor it more than whites. The glass is designed so that the aromas are focused in such a way that they inevitably lead to the taster saying, “What the fuck is that?” This is the exact expression most natural wines are made to elicit. This is not really a criticism of the wine, it’s more a way of expressing the deep and enduring mystery of wine. It’s like the climactic moment in a horror film when the hero finally sees the unspeakable monster and says wonderingly, “What the fuck is that?” knowing it could easily kill him. So just like how we enjoy Natural Wines.
Corkscrews and Other Crap
Don’t be fooled into thinking that just any old corkscrew is suitable for extracting the cork from your bottle of Natural Wine. An improper device can upset the energy of the wine much as a piercing fart can upset an otherwise promising seduction. I’m sorry, Brenda. The best tool is the traditional waiter’s corkscrew, only for Natural Wines, it needs to be a vegan waiter’s corkscrew. A vegan corkscrew is one that does not use any animal products for its construction. So it must not have an ivory handle, a knife made of stray cat, or a worm. It’s not having the worm that makes it hard to use, but worms are part of God’s Creation and entitled to respect. I suggest buying Natural Wines with a Stelvin closure. Many Natural Wines are now bottled under Stelvin because there are times when new technology actually improves things, though never when it comes to winemaking itself, don’t be an idiot.
No discussion of wine opening paraphernalia would be complete without mentioning the Coravin. The Coravin is a device designed to penetrate the capsule and the cork, dispense a portion of the wine, and replace it with a gas. Again, I’m sorry, Brenda. While this is quite entertaining, imagine how the cork feels being penetrated over and over again against its will. Many corks will simply flee, calling the now ubiquitous car service for corks, SUber (wow, score one for a botany joke!).
It’s a common wisdom that we usually make the mistake of serving white wines too cold, red wines too warm, and orange wines. Natural Wines are a different case altogether. First of all, Natural Wines should never be placed in a refrigerator. This is not an authentic way to store wine and should be avoided at all costs. Refrigerators are newfangled technology, which always harms Natural Wines. And, refrigerators vibrate the wine, which tickles, and may make the wine blush. And who wants Natural Blush Wine? Instead, to chill the wine to an appropriate serving temperature, put it next to your Alice Feiring books, that should do it.
If you follow all of my suggestions you will certainly get more enjoyment out of your Natural Wines. Though, admittedly, enjoyment isn’t the real purpose of many Natural Wines. Following my suggestions successfully, treating your Natural Wines in the manner they deserve, and impressing your friends will also make you feel smug. And there’s the real purpose of enjoying Natural Wines!
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