Le Pan is the only wine magazine that answers the questions to which real wine connoisseurs need answers. Is my private jet a good place to store my First Growths? How does cabin pressure affect Champagne — does it make it just like fine wine sales in China? Flat? Should Grand Cru Burgundy smell like where I stable my polo ponies? Or worse, where I house my sweatshop employees? How do I know auction bottles are genuine, and not fake like the Cartier watches my factory slaves make? Do stupid Americans actually buy Yao Ming’s Cabernet?
Le Pan has been two years in the planning. We’re a wine magazine like no other. We have six Masters of Wine on our masthead! Isn’t that amazing? Just how many experts can dance on the masthead of Le Pan? Hard to know, but at this point we have six Panheads rating wine and spirits!
Each issue will run an astonishing 200 pages, several of them without lavish advertising. And each issue will be published in separate English-language and Simplified Chinese editions. We are creating a magazine for the world’s most sophisticated audience. As well as the Chinese. We bring a fresh high-end aesthetic to wine magazine publishing. You won’t catch us talking about wines that just anybody can afford, wines that will make you lose more face than a tank driver in Tiananmen Square. Le Pan is about the luxury lifestyle you’ve earned as one of the world’s most elite and powerful people — the very people every great winery hopes will drink their wines. People who don’t give a single thought to money or taste, but focus on what matters in wine— scores and prestige.
We are creating the world’s finest wine and lifestyle magazine for those who are clueless about actual style and desperately need to get a life. We curate only the best of the best whether it be wine, cuisine, luxury experience or goods — for one thing, the free samples are better that way, and, believe me, MWs are very picky about free samples. Our voice will be authoritative, sophisticated, educated and assured, except in the Chinese edition where it will be far more pedantic and condescending. Believe me, they like that. We edit out all the complicated wine stuff, and just tell them what all the billionaire Europeans and Americans are drinking. Really, we’re just fucking with them. You’re the audience we want. Because if you don’t read our English-language edition, none of the Chinese will believe anything we say! Let’s keep that between us, shall we?
Here are some of the articles you can look forward to in the first few issues of Le Pan:
“Ebony and Ivory — why they make the perfect wine cellar”
Your fine wine collection deserves to be showcased in only the finest illegal and environmentally insensitive materials. You do honor to fine Madagascar ebony and endangered African elephant tusks when you use them to showcase your collection of rare Burgundies. And the elephant tusks add aphrodisiac qualities to your finest wines. The wine may not last four hours, but your erection will! Why the greatest wine collectors only use the scarcest resources to store their wine.
“Great Wines Under $250”
Don’t let other wine publications convince you that the only truly great wines cost more than $250. Le Pan’s panel of wine experts reveal a dozen wines that you can drink every day that retail for less than $250—or just about what you pay a teenager per year in your Nike factory!
“Ten Wineries You Should Buy”
With your wealth, you can buy any winery in the world. But which ones should you buy? Château Margaux? Oh, that’s so last year. Overvalued, and, frankly, they use way too much Merlot to be worth the kind of money they’d demand. Have you considered Mouton? Sure, the property’s a little rundown, and the Artist Series labels are jejune, but you can get it for a song. Nine more you should consider — or maybe buy all ten! You can always tear them down and build high-rises.
“Where to Buy the Latest MW”
Le Pan recently purchased five of them, now we reveal where you can find your own MW. What makes them so lovely to own? Is it their cuddly and playful nature, or just the way they greet you when you arrive home from your polo match? Is it true that when they’re happy their noses are wet? Housebroken when young, you’ll have to be more careful as they get older — an old MW can ruin your designer furniture. You must read this article before investing in your own MW. (And why are they superior to Master Sommeliers.? They’ll tell you!)
Le Pan will be the finest and glossiest wine publication in the world. We won’t discuss trendsetters, we will be trendsetters. We won’t just write about the best, we will be the best. We won’t talk empty promises, we’ll simply deliver them. Le Pan is about integrity, really glossy integrity, which is the only kind worth having. Because you haven’t just earned your lifestyle, you’ve earned really pretty pictures of it.
Le Pan will be published bi-monthly. This guarantees that our wine reviews will be completely out of date by the time your magazine arrives. And you’ll be the last one to know about the best new restaurants in the world. And isn’t that what a great lifestyle magazine is about? Taking it easy, not worrying about timeliness, focusing instead on the steamrolling effect of great wealth? That’s who we are.
Won’t you join us as a subscriber? Le Pan is published by the Goldin Group, a real estate company. We understand wine and lifestyle, not just exploitation and draining the Earth’s resources for our own personal gain. We think you share our values. Join us, or we off the MWs.